ReEvaluation

Yesterday I started tapping the brakes on this out of control ride with Mr. Caesar.

After hearing him talk about his ex contacting him and his beliefs on people's ability to change their personality traits on and off like a light switch, I was worried.  I went into this with an open mind.  I pushed aside the negative and focused on just having a good time for once. 

But I went about it all wrong. 

 Thanks to his sweet talking and his affection, I developed feelings.  Feelings are not fun. I had originally pegged Mr. Caesar for a cocky little SOB.  Then I got to know him a little better and figured this was a front.  He did tell me he is afraid of getting hurt and being attached.  But his words being one thing and his actions another freak me out.

I am getting the feeling that he's feeling me out too.  He seems to get worried about me finding someone else.  All of this is not ideal but I can deal with it.

What a good (male) friend of mine brought to my attention last night was all the little things that I should have taken into consideration but was too busy with butterflies.  I don't normally dig smokers.  Mr. Caesar smokes.  He also smoked a bowl while driving me home last weekend.   I don't like it, but I was trying not to judge.  My good friend told me this was rude, and that this behavior is childish.  I can't say that I disagree.  But at the same time, this doesn't seem to affect his work habits and he does like to go out and do things with me.  Had he holed me up in his room and smoked every time we hung out (which he has done not once) I would have called it quits already.

While I have deducted points for both of these things, I hadn't considered them a deal breaker.  What did strike me as weird was after we hung out on Wednesday and he told me about his ex, he seemingly became distant yesterday.  

His words from the night before were ringing in my head all day on Thursday, "Sometimes you need to let a girl miss you."  

While I agree time apart makes the heart grow fonder, I wasn't sure we were at this point just yet.  But I tested this yesterday.  I did not text him at all throughout the day, which is normal for us so far.  He finally said hi and asked what I was up to at around 8.  I was leaving to hang out with my friend, which I told him.  he, in turn, said he was going to the beach with some friends.  Did he not invite me because I had already said I had plans or did he want a little break?  Last week he wanted to hang out daily.

We were talking a little more and suddenly his texts stopped...for 2 hours.  (He did eventually text back and say he was fishing and then he said he was going to bed.  I was short with my replies.  Like one word short.)  The fact that this bothered me - since he always responds in a very timely fashion - was a major red flag.  This is no longer just fun.  I have feelings now.

While I think this is only natural after spending time with him and talking to him so frequently, I am not sure I want them.  Especially since I am not sure what the heck we are doing here.

He texted me this morning early and told me he hoped I have a good day.  Since I was working and did not have my phone, I responded in the afternoon.  He hadn't said anything until just now actually.  I think I'll wait a few minutes to respond...I am busy after all.  ;)

From The Moment I First Saw You

He said, "I was interested in your from the moment I first saw you." Mr. Caesar and I have been hanging out at least twice a week. I think if I had a lighter schedule we would get together more frequently - he's always asking. But I am feeling conflicted. I told him the other night he is so unconfusing, he is confusing. He said that made no sense. But I know what I mean. He seems to be fairly straight forward, but his actions often trump the things he says. Hell, sometimes he even says one thing and then later says another. Example: he says he's still getting to know me and wants something casual (as do I) and then he talks about us doing things together in the fall. He acts tough, but he says he's afraid of getting hurt. And so far, he has been incredibly sweet. He calls when I'm driving home from work. He calls for no reason and talks to me for an hour. He texts me to tell me to have a good day. I'm not complaining but I haven't really gotten a good idea of what he really means. Is he going to get hurt...or will it be me? We went out to grab a bite last night and on our ride back to his place he told me his ex contacted him saying she misses him. They broke up about a month ago. He told me she was "crazy" and didn't give him room to breathe - she would call him constantly even when she knew he was just at family functions. But then last night after telling me she texted him, he told me he thinks people can change and she was a really nice girl, just messed up. Even said she was cute. I kind of slammed on the breaks. My situation might be messed up, but I don't voice my inner most thoughts to him yet. I can either give him credit for being up front or hold it against him that it seemed to me like he was considering taking her back. This brings me to my biggest issue. Getting into this whole mess, I told him I wanted a friend with benefits. I like his personality. He's fun. I could use a new friend. But I messed that up by getting a crush on him...and sleeping with him only solidified my mistake. Now we are in limbo. He seems to hint that he could see us being together but he also told me he doesn't normally call girls his girlfriend until after quite a while. He even went as far as to say "when I'm attached and thinking about moving in with a girl I'll call her my girlfriend." WHAT THE FUCK? This is ass backwards, is it not?!

That's Awkward

Oh, boy.

Yesterday I saw Mr. Caesar at work. Let me clarify that I don't go there to see him. He is an added bonus. Since we are around his coworkers, I don't typically say much to him aside from "hello" and sometimes small talk. I understand the need to be professional at work. And most of our conversations are not workplace material.

I spent my afternoon lying in the sun and daydreaming...mostly about him. He texted me once he got out of work. He eventually asked if I wanted to do dinner and a movie. I took a few minutes to think about this. I typically like to be more prepared but since my special friend payed me a visit, I didn't have to go the whole nine yards. Two hours later I was at his house - not feeling quite cute enough and wishing I had done more summer clothes shopping. But I was there.

And he introduced me to his roommate and his friend. I feel like I have met way too many of his people already.

Then we were off. Conversation comes easy with him. His laid back personality and his ability to handle my "ball-busting" earn him major points. Dinner went well. He was sweet and he told me some more about him. I need to work on asking more questions and discussing myself less. But other than my own personal flaws, we had a good time. From there we went to the movie. We got there early enough that we has some time to kill.

Not much longer after we got there, he asked what I would do if he kissed me. A nervous laugh escaped my lips and then I told him that he shouldn't ask, just do. But he has already given me butterflies. And I was already nervous. But he kissed me anyways. He gave me a light kiss for about 1 second before he slipped his tongue in my mouth. This caught me off guard...are we going to play tongue hockey already?! I was too busy thinking about his hands on my face and his tongue prodding my lips open to react accordingly. After a few seconds I pulled away. I will admit I was in La-La Land, but I'm fairly sure he laughed at this.

Mr. Caesar is a touchy-feely kind of guy. It makes me wonder how many other girls he touches. But I can't really say much about that, and I'd rather not think about it. He likes to grab my ass, poke me, and play with my hair. Not exactly in that order. Can't say that I mind being petted on occasion... He even nibbled on my ear at one point and asked if I liked it. I said no. Which was a lie. But I'm not about getting all hot and bothered in a movie theater when I have no hopes of picking up where we left off later.

At the beginning of the movie, he put his arm around me. Then he surprised me by holding my hand. This was eventually ruined by him telling me that I have "hitchhiker thumbs"...which apparently means my thumbs bend slightly upwards at the top. Who knows, but this ruined the moment and I promptly dropped his hand. This meant more leg stroking and eventually re-embracing my hand, hitchhiker thumb and all.

When we got back to his house, he asked if I wanted to come in. I wanted to. I really wanted to. But I didn't. I joked about it being past his bedtime and hugged him goodbye. He went in for another tongue-kiss. I don't know why but I couldn't get used to it and reciprocate. I couldn't even concentrate enough to tell if he was a good kisser or not. I even said that I felt awkward. He seemed momentarily hurt by that and picked me up and kissed me on the cheek. I give him point for still trying to be sweet after my ruining of the moment.

On my rather long drive home, I texted him that I was sorry for being awkward. He said sorry if he was pushy. I didn't feel that he was pushy at all. And if I had, I wouldn't have apologized. I digress. I caved and texted him today - breaking the ice with a joke about keeping him out to late when he had to wake up early. He made sure to tell me he still had fun with me. He also said he didn't think I had fun. I did. I was just being shy. After a brief back and forth, I left him alone. He said hi just a few minutes ago which made me smile. He said he was thinking about me. When I asked about what, he eventually eluded to some dirty thoughts. This I enjoy.

And he wants to see me "sooner than later"!

I'll Take A Kiss

This past weekend I went against my typical protocol and met up with Mr. Caesar and his friends at a local biker bar. Why is this different from my normal ways, you ask? I don't normally like to slap on the fake smile and meet the friends the second time I hang out with someone. But since Mr. Caesar and I have seen each other frequently enough whilst not hanging out and because he makes me feel comfortable I went for it.

Surprisingly, I do not regret my decision.

I try to avoid being left behind with the group of friends or running into the possessive girl"friends" so quickly. I prefer to feel out the guy and see if he's the type that will recognize that I am out of my comfort zone with his friends and will try to stay by my side or make me feel welcome.

I drove over to the bar and there was no parking. I mean the curb was overflowing and my larger vehicle was not going to fit. I tried to find a spot twice. I took this as a sign, and texted Mr. Caesar to tell him I was heading back since there was no place to park. I waited. Right as I got home (5 minutes later) he called and asked to pick me up. I [idiotically] declined. I did, however, give him 50 points for calling and sounding slightly disappointed instead of texting me. It's the little things that count, right?!

10 minutes later I worked up my courage and attempted to send a cute text..."commmme getttt meeee". Because elongating words makes everything seem cuter...right?

He texted immediately, "Was going to say you got my hopes up. What's your address?"

5 minutes later, I hopped into his car and we were off.

The second I got in his car, I smelled pot. I commented on that. Didn't know he was into reefer. I wouldn't have pegged him for a pothead. He seemed embarrassed and told me he had tried to cover it up with axe. This required my making fun of the lack of axe scent and the pungent stink of marijuana. He apologized. I laughed at that. It could be worse than a little joint.

When we got to the bar, doors were held for me (as always) and he got me a nice, girly drink right away. That was appreciated. Then we did the whole "meet the friends" deal. His friends were all guys so I didn't feel so awkward. But it didn't help that one of them was jaw-droppingly-handsome. Mr. Caesar definitely noticed my reaction. Note to self: learn to not act surprised when shaking the hand of a deep-voiced Godlike man.

I did also meet his friend's sister and her two little sidekicks. They were 19 and immature. They were friendly. And once Mr. Caesar left for two minutes to grab more drinks the sister decided to bring my guy up to her friends. "Do you guys talk to Mr. Caesar ever?" "No." and "No." from the sidekicks. The sister confirmed, "Me either...since he has a girlfriend and all."

Ummmm...wait! WHAT?! I pretended to continue being enthralled by my phone and not hear this comment. Success. They dropped that conversation. Mr. Caesar came back to the rescue and I saved that tidbit for later. I had a feeling little miss jealous was trying to get me to head out for the night - and never come back.

Mr. Caesar earned major points for spending his night talking with me while amongst his friends. He likes to poke and touch. I would typically find this to be childish behavior but he pulls it off somehow. And I'll take his big, sexy hands on me in whatever fashion I can get them. We had a good time talking and listening to the local band play.

After watching a childish display of jealousy from the sister just after Mr. Caesar pulled me in to talk into my ear over the loud music he told me that even though the chick is married she has always had a crush on him and that she gets possessive at times. All this without me mentioning her earlier comment. So I told him what she said and he laughed. Not a nervous laugh. A "that's typical behavior" kind of laugh. I have my guard up since we don't know each other well yet but no red flag has been raised.

At one point the signer from the band came over to say hello to Mr. Caesar and I felt him get closer to me. The singer seemed interested in who I was and was maintaining eye contact with me for too long. I could feel Mr. Caesar gazing down at me. I was literally up against a wall next to the guy a want and a guy who clearly wanted me. But the flicker of possession in Mr. Caesar's eyes was worth the few awkward moments.

The night went well and we stayed out late. I wanted his hands on me but the most he did was reel me in between his legs and hold me until I got shy and sauntered away. I am almost enjoying taking things slow with him and letting the build-up of anticipation amp up the excitement level. He's made enough comments to let me know he wants me. And I'm sure he knows I want him. But this seems fun.

We've been texting quite a bit and he surprised me with a cute "morning Sunshine" this morning. He also asked when he "gets to see me again". This put a smile on my face.

I'm hoping I get to see him soon...very soon.

Designer Skin Head Over Heels™ Review

Type: Dark Bronzer
Extras: Shave Minimizing Formula and Shimmer
Scent: Candied Plum
Size: 8.5 oz. Bottle / 0.5 oz Packette

Legs for days and dark color to be envied! Get carried away and fall Head Over Heels™ in love with your sleek, tone and golden legs! Formulated with those hard-to-tan areas in mind, this mix of the darkest bronzers and subtle shimmer will deliver all the dazzling dark color your heart desires!
• Infused with Caffeine to tone and tighten
• Shave-minimizers help inhibit hair growth to keep legs smoother
• Superior Dark Bronzers deliver dramatically dark color for maximum results
• Subtle Shimmer for an illuminating glow

Tired of having your legs 6 shades darker than the rest of you?
After building my base tan with Designer Skin's Secret Rapture, I began to notice my stomach and back were incredibly dark and my legs and arms and other hard to tan areas were lagging behind. I decided to give the NEW Designer Skin Head Over Heels a go. The superior dark bronzers help add that extra boost that the thicker skin on our legs needs to get just as dark as the rest of us.

Head Over Heels is perfect for your legs with added shave-minimizers to promote smoothness and slow down hair growth. Caffeine helps tone and tighten your skin for extra sex appeal while subtle shimmer gets your legs noticed. And don't worry, by subtle shimmer I mean light shimmer that makes skin glow rather than send you into full-on stripper mode. I love to use this lotion on my hoo-ha, my ass, and my legs as I have a harder time getting those areas dark. I have had great results.

I was able to find a 8.5 ounce bottle of this tanning lotion for $25 (including shipping) on eBay - brand new and sealed. On eBay you can find a sample packette for around $5. My tanning salon retails this bottle at $50 with a sample packette being $8.

The Candied Plum scent is pleasant and smells nice when first applied. Some lotions can leave you smelling burnt after a nice, long tanning session. This fragrance only enhances with the heat and develops a warmer, more potent Sugar scent. It is perfect if you have to head straight from the salon to work or out. You will smell delicious!

Designer Skin Secret Rapture® Review

Type: Intensifier
Extras: Anti-Aging and Firming Formula
Scent: Warm Vanilla Sugar
Size: 13.5 oz. Bottle / 0.5 oz Packette

Pure, tanning ecstasy. Spectacular, bronze bliss. Are you ready to be transported to paradise where stunning, bronze color and gloriously silky skin go hand in hand? Secret Rapture® is an exquisite, dark tanning blend that delivers dramatic tanning results. Powerful anti-aging and firming ingredients pave the way for this stairway to tanning heaven. Indulge, revel and experience the Rapture. Shhhhhh! It will be our little Secret.

• Enriched with Vitamins A, E, C and Avocado Oil
• Phytoage and Alpha Lipoic Acid provide powerful anti-aging benefits
• White Birch Extract & Copper PCA visibly improve skin's firmness and texture

It's true: not all indoor tanning lotions are created equal.
One of the most important tricks to tanning is finding the perfect base tan builder when you first get started at your salon. So far my favorite is Designer Skin's Secret Rapture. It is designed as a base-building lotion that helps build a super dark tan on fair skin and helps those of us who do not tan easily.

Secret Rapture has added Vitamins and Avocado Oil for soft, supple and moisturized skin. This helps a great deal considering well-moisturized skin tans much nicer than dry skin does. It also has powerful anti-aging agents as well as White Birch and Copper PCA for a boost in your skins firmness. I especially love this for my legs.

I was able to find a 13.5 ounce bottle of this tanning lotion for $20 (including shipping) on eBay - brand new and sealed. On eBay you can find a sample packette for around $5. My tanning salon retails this bottle at $45 with a sample packette being $8.

The Warm Vanilla Sugar scent is light and smells great when first applied. Some lotions can leave you smelling burnt after a nice, long tanning session. This fragrance only enhances with the heat and develops a warmer, more potent Sugar scent. It is perfect if you have to head straight from the salon to work or out. You will smell delicious!

I'm Back? [yet again]

I have a really bad habit of giving up on my little blog, only to return to it when I feel like I have too much on my mind. This blog was always meant to help me sort out the mass of thoughts and ideas in my head on the fast-track out. But, dare I say it, sometimes I find myself too lazy or too annoyed to even log on and...release.

I have been busy lately. Not so much with important things - I'm talking tanning, work, and spending time with the dog - but I have been busy nonetheless. I more or less got bored with Mr. Chef. It's not that he did anything wrong. It's that he lost his shine. We had one awkward kiss where I didn't even feel the need to close my eyes and I pulled back after that. I don't want to waste my time on anything that's not special. I still think he's sweet and all. But I'm not sure he lights my fire.

Mr. Caesar on the other hand...he adds hot coals to a slow burning fire. It's a delicate situation though. I met him at his place of work about a month ago. I thought he was cute and he has an infectious laugh. An adorable, infectious laugh. I continue to see him at his place of work but he is very good at remaining professional, which I respect very much. I channeled my inner-creeper and messaged him on facebook. He gave me his number and voila! two days later he wanted to hang out. This was good and bad.

We met up and he took me to lunch as a cute little restaurant on the water. We got to know each other a little better. Then he asked if I'd like to go up by his place (a little ways away from me) and take a walk on the beach. It was early afternoon so I agreed. He showed me his place. Then we walked along the beach in 95 degree weather. The problem with wearing jeans and a little tank top whilst walking on the beach in pure humidity after consuming very little to eat for lunch for fear of looking like a complete fatass is that you begin to feel faint. Light-headed and sweaty on a first...date, we will call it is not really fun. I ended up pretending like I wanted to have a seat on a rock under the shade. Really I was waiting for the ringing in my ears and the nausea to subside. When I felt that I was in the clear, I pulled my swampy-ass up off the rock and walked with him - at a safe distance for fear of BO - back to his place. He still wanted to hang out for a bit. I should have declined.

But I have never been the brightest. I had boob sweat. BOOB SWEAT! It is time to go home and take a shower when this occurs, or at least take a shower with Mr. Caesar. But no, I sat with him on his bed. I am sure my deodorant had begun to fail and my make-up had long ago melted off. Hindsight is always 20/20, right?! However, he at least pretended to be unfazed by my disgusting state. He said "Haven't you ever gotten really sweaty during sex?" After this, my mind was playing images of him naked and sweaty on top of me. These images still play in my mind.

I texted him a couple times this past week and I have seen him at work but I have decided to wait and see if he initiates. I know he works a lot, but he can text me if he wants.

I will play a little bit harder to get.

Because after all, I am not easily gotten.