The Switch

I'm sure this won't come as a surprise to any one, but I am fairly sure that I am fickle.  I am telling myself it is immaturity, but who knows, maybe I am not the type of person who will ever find myself in a long-term monogamous relationship - let alone a marriage.

As usual, I have been MIA.  And as per usual, a lot has happened in my absence.  Rather than try and fill in the cracks, I will skip right to the juicy stuff.

Caesar, while being incredibly sweet most of the time and very clearly in love with me, began to annoy me to no end.  In short, his blissful ignorance and his immaturity made me run in the other direction.

And right into Fuzz.  Just because I like to keep things complicated, Fuzz and Bacon are good friends.  Luckily for me, there was never anything between Bacon and I aside from sexual tension and a strange friendship.  Not to mention - he is married.  Albeit, not a happy one.  But that's not my problem.  I have known Fuzz for at least 5 years now, maybe longer.  Despite him being a pleasant conversationalist, he never intrigued me.  Until now.

To further complicate things, Fuzz still considers himself to be married though he is not technically any longer.  He still loves his "wife".  I am still in limbo with my own relationship status.  He is lonely.  I am lonely.  You see where this is going.

Last week, Bacon and Fuzz, a few others and myself went out for a few drinks.  The past few times we have been out, Fuzz and I get caught up in our own conversation but this time we hardly paid attention to the others.  It apparently dawned on the both of us that we have quite a bit in common.  I even coaxed Fuzz to come with us to the second bar we went to.

Ever since then, we have been constantly texting one another.  Some of the time, it is even for hours at a time - back and forth.  We have discussed hanging out and I am fairly sure he flirts.  He is definitely interested. 

Although, Bacon tells me this is just because he is lonely with it being the holidays and all.  I noticed him watching us talk when we were out.  Jealousy?

I just have to decide if I can handle his baggage.

Daydreaming

I feel like 90% of the time my head is stuck in the clouds.  I'm constantly daydreaming.  I'm taking reality and twisting it into a fantasy that suits my needs - and my wants.

I've been utterly confused lately.  And I only confused myself more last night.

I haven't seen Mr. Bacon in nearly 6 months.  I've known the guy for a decade now.  When I was 14, I loved having X-rated daydreams about him.  Not only was he a man in uniform but he was a badboy.  I loved his attitude and I especially loved his tattoos.  But more importantly, I loved that he was there for me when I was going through a rough time in my life.

Mr. Bacon always knew I had a crush on him.  I just couldn't conceal it.  To be honest, I'm not even sure I tried.  I was still a kid.  Once I turned 18, I had a life and a job.  I disappeared for a while.  Ironic considering I had spent the last 4 years dreaming of my 18th birthday being spent with my bad boy in blue.  Once I was 21, I came in contact with a mutual friend and started spending time with the guys off-duty.  Being of age, I began to see the real Mr. Bacon.  All male - dirty, perverted, and now older.  I like older. 

The problem?  In my time away, Mr. Bacon went and got hitched. 

The kicker?  He does nothing but complain about her.

Well, complain about her and make inappropriate comments to me.

Luckily for him, the comments didn't bother me.  I rather enjoyed them.  We even began talking on the phone again and occasionally texting one another.  The sexual tension was ever-present but despite his perversions I still believe he is a good man.  And I am no home-wrecker.

I'm not sure where our rekindled relationship took a turn for the worse, but unbeknownst to me - it did.

I will never forget calling him one day after work about a year ago and he answered with, "What - are you stalking me?"  I instantly felt the tears prickling behind my eyes.  I honestly had no idea where this was coming from.  I choked out some response and hung up.  He didn't call back.

I deleted his phone number and quit talking to him.  Either this was his intention or he didn't notice, but things went this way for a few months.  The other boys in blue kept inviting me out, but I was afraid to see Mr. Bacon.  Finally, last spring I decided to just go out.  I had done nothing wrong.

Go figure, Mr. Bacon acted the same towards me as always: witty and friendly.  I spent the night ignoring his glances and even stares.  Any comments made were quickly retorted with a snide comment or a sarcastic jab.  He always liked my feistyness so this did not get me far.  He seemed to not even realize I was upset with him.

I still had no contact with Mr. Bacon.  But just the other night I went out with the boys again and, as usual, he was there.

Back Off, Bitches!

Is it acceptable to have a summer fling bleed into the cooler weather?  

Or can I just keep him around as a fall fling?

Mr. Chef sends me random texts perhaps once a week.  More than half of the time I don't respond.  I'm just not really feeling it lately.  I might soon regret spending the entire summer with Mr. Caesar.

Things we going so well.  Until he got drunk at a concert about a month ago.  I'm a ball-buster.  I'm incredibly sarcastic.  And I can be fiesty.  Okay, what I really mean is I can be a complete bitch. But in my defense, I typically only show that side when it is warranted.

Mr. Caesar and I went to a huge all-day concert a while back with a friend of mine and her dirty old boyfriend.  We had a blast.  Except for the fact that Mr. Caesar apparently can't handle his liquor.  He hopped into my truck at 10 AM and admitted he has already consumed 6 Mike's Hard Lemonade's.  Point A. he drinks girly drinks?!  Point B doesn't morning drinking usually mean you have a wee bit of a problem?!  He promptly asked to stop at the gas station for cigarettes.  I was turned off.  Completely.  

I just sucked it up and tried to have fun but sometimes it's those little things that get to me the most.  Once we got there, Mr. Caesar apparently knew the bartender and kept having her make his drinks.  I don't think he really needed all that extra booze but I digress.  By 1 in the afternoon, shit hit the fan.  As we sat down to eat, I apparently made some incredibly bitchy comment that no one heard except for him.  He stormed about from our table, leaving me and my friends dumbfounded.  I'm sure he thought I'd chase after him, all apologetic and whatnot.  Nope.  That's not really my style.

After we finished eating and walking around, we headed back to our lawn chairs.  Mr. Caesar was sitting there pouting.  He expected me to apologize.  I said I gladly would if he could tell me what the problem was.  Thanks to the alcohol, he had no fucking idea.  I refused to apologize for my horrible comment until he could tell me exactly what I said.  Needless to say, to this day he still doesn't remember.

Boys, if you can't handle your liquor - don't fucking drink.  K?  Thanks!

Once thing I can't stand is publicly arguing.  This, however, does not seem to affect Mr. Caesar in the least.  He spent the afternoon following me around, raising his voice, and grabbing my arm when I would try to get away from him.  All I could think was, "wow what a great preview of what you'd be like as a boyfriend."  I was kicking myself in the ass for driving him there.

He even yelled my name loud enough for groups of (hot) boys to learn it and use it when asking if I needed any help with my loser boyfriend.  I was too embarrassed to even use that as an in with any of the new meat.  Mr. Caesar even had the balls to come over and stand by me as I talked to a few of them.  What a cockblock!

I dropped him off at the end of the night angry and feeling naive.  He called me a million times the next day apologizing.  I didn't care.  I told him I'd keep him around for sex and nothing else.  

The next weekend we went to a festival in a lake town by us and went to a few bars afterwards.  He pointed to some chick and said, "I slept with her."  Um, ARE YOU STUPID?  Yes, clearly he is.  You just don't tell me that.  I wouldn't have known.  I didn't want to know.  And I sure as heck didn't need to know.  

I will admit though when to rather confident girls sidled up next to him when he was dancing and we complimenting his "moves" I turned into jealous girlfriend and promptly shot them death glares and pulled him away.  Another chick even went up to him and put her arms around his shoulder while he was at the bar grabbing us drinks.  I turned around just in time to see it.  I promptly looked away.  my good ole buddy told me he removed her arm from around him and ignored her.  

Okay, now he's back in my good graces.  But what would he have done if I hadn't been 40 feet away?

I Don't Need A Needy Man

Things aren't looking to good for Mr. Caesar.  I haven't seen him in a week - and it's not for his lack of trying.  

He is in transition between places.  That's cool, it happens.  

But when you are asking to stay at my place or for my vehicle for the move without my offering, I don't like it.  Maybe I am just a heartless bitch, but nothing bothers me more than a man who is needy and always expects others to help him out.  It annoys me with females too, but I am not dating them so I get over it.

I like independent men.  I like men who get things done on their own, like an adult.  The fact that Mr. Caesar said he could "really use my truck" for his move on a day that he knows I am busy with work and other obligations irked me.

It was cute and all last night when he said he really likes me even if it may be too much and it "worries" him.  But it's not cute enough to make up for his immaturity.

I haven't completely written him off, but I have been keeping my distance.  I think the great sex is what has kept him around this long at this point.

Mr. Lover made a huge comeback this weekend.  We had an entire date day.  A beach walk, lunch at a restaurant featured on Diner's, Drive Ins, and Dives, miniature golf then dinner and beer tasting.  It was a long but fun day.  In fact, it might be the most fun I've had in a while.


We are even planning something special to do this weekend as well.


Mr. Chef had to cancel our plans last week since he has been busy at work.  I didn't really mind.  I half wanted to cancel due to my busy schedule anyways so it worked out.  He is still blowing up my phone so we will see if we can arrange something else later this week.

A Change of Pace

It's funny how quickly things can change.

All last week I felt really into Mr. Caesar.  He invited me to go on a short trip with him for the weekend - I declined after much debate.  I found myself missing him all weekend long.  We had no contact.  I was really excited that as soon as he got back he called me and wanted to get together.

Mr. Chef has also been trying his darnedest to "see me in person again".  I started toying with the idea of keeping my options open.  Or at the very least keeping him around for comparisons sake.  If need be, we can always do a sex tie-breaker.  They won't ever have to know.  *insert evil laughs here*

Meanwhile, much to my dismay I have added to the confusion with mere moments of weakness.  Mr. Lover is back in the picture.  He was my first real love and I find myself wondering if he will one day end up being my one that got away.  I have tried not to keep him around because, well,  that's just not fair.  But yet, he's still always there.

Due to Mr. Caesar's drama - leading him to spend the night at his ex's house since I couldn't accommodate him - and a very questionable maturity level (that really affected me in no way so far) I find myself wanting to pull away a little bit.

This turn of events works out nicely for Mr. Chef.  I am hoping our day date for Friday works out.  We will see if we can't reignite that spark.

 

Out of the Doghouse

There's nothing I love more than a man who truly likes to please me -- 

in and out of the bedroom.

I can say with certainty that Mr. Caesar tries his best to make me happy.  It's the little things that make me smile and he seems to realize this.  He kisses me on the cheek and plays with my hair.  He still texts me every day and texts me back promptly when I initiate.

Lately, he's been coming over to my house.  But most of his friends live by me so we normally end up having a quick roll in the hay and then go out with his buddies.  And then we come back to my place for more of the former.  He seems to really like bringing me around his friends.  I don't mind it but I get shy at times and sometimes I would rather it just be us.  I hadn't showed any distaste until last weekend.  


He came over and then promptly called his buddy when I said I wasn't sure what I would like to do.  We ended up at a pool hall...on a perfectly warm and sunny evening.  I hate being confined indoors when it's nice out.  And I also hate tagging along with Mr. Caesar and his buddy not knowing what they are talking about.  I felt a little awkward and left out...although to be honest, I might have been acting introverted due to my unhappiness with the whole situation.  When the boys decided to head to the second place...a bar, I asked Mr. Caesar to take me home.  He frowned and said no as he pulled into the parking lot.  He told his friend to go inside and he grabbed me, pulling me in close asking what was wrong.


I explained.  He apologized and said he would take his friend home and we would leave.  He was very sympathetic and handled the situation perfectly.  I felt bad and told him we could stay.  But I still sat at the table and texted anyone who would respond to occupy my time.  We didn't stay long (he knew he was in the doghouse).  We ended up renting a movie and ordering a pizza.


I also liked how once we were along he explained that he didn't want to always stay in with me and thought I would rather go out for a while and then have alone time later.


Maybe I was just being a bitch...it wouldn't be the first time.

ReEvaluation

Yesterday I started tapping the brakes on this out of control ride with Mr. Caesar.

After hearing him talk about his ex contacting him and his beliefs on people's ability to change their personality traits on and off like a light switch, I was worried.  I went into this with an open mind.  I pushed aside the negative and focused on just having a good time for once. 

But I went about it all wrong. 

 Thanks to his sweet talking and his affection, I developed feelings.  Feelings are not fun. I had originally pegged Mr. Caesar for a cocky little SOB.  Then I got to know him a little better and figured this was a front.  He did tell me he is afraid of getting hurt and being attached.  But his words being one thing and his actions another freak me out.

I am getting the feeling that he's feeling me out too.  He seems to get worried about me finding someone else.  All of this is not ideal but I can deal with it.

What a good (male) friend of mine brought to my attention last night was all the little things that I should have taken into consideration but was too busy with butterflies.  I don't normally dig smokers.  Mr. Caesar smokes.  He also smoked a bowl while driving me home last weekend.   I don't like it, but I was trying not to judge.  My good friend told me this was rude, and that this behavior is childish.  I can't say that I disagree.  But at the same time, this doesn't seem to affect his work habits and he does like to go out and do things with me.  Had he holed me up in his room and smoked every time we hung out (which he has done not once) I would have called it quits already.

While I have deducted points for both of these things, I hadn't considered them a deal breaker.  What did strike me as weird was after we hung out on Wednesday and he told me about his ex, he seemingly became distant yesterday.  

His words from the night before were ringing in my head all day on Thursday, "Sometimes you need to let a girl miss you."  

While I agree time apart makes the heart grow fonder, I wasn't sure we were at this point just yet.  But I tested this yesterday.  I did not text him at all throughout the day, which is normal for us so far.  He finally said hi and asked what I was up to at around 8.  I was leaving to hang out with my friend, which I told him.  he, in turn, said he was going to the beach with some friends.  Did he not invite me because I had already said I had plans or did he want a little break?  Last week he wanted to hang out daily.

We were talking a little more and suddenly his texts stopped...for 2 hours.  (He did eventually text back and say he was fishing and then he said he was going to bed.  I was short with my replies.  Like one word short.)  The fact that this bothered me - since he always responds in a very timely fashion - was a major red flag.  This is no longer just fun.  I have feelings now.

While I think this is only natural after spending time with him and talking to him so frequently, I am not sure I want them.  Especially since I am not sure what the heck we are doing here.

He texted me this morning early and told me he hoped I have a good day.  Since I was working and did not have my phone, I responded in the afternoon.  He hadn't said anything until just now actually.  I think I'll wait a few minutes to respond...I am busy after all.  ;)